


Freedom

by angelwoojin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: I made chan suffer, I'm Sorry, Trainee Days, but they become friends later dw, chan's jealous of jisung, kinda pensive and dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-04 07:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18339155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelwoojin/pseuds/angelwoojin
Summary: He just wanted freedom. Freedom from those thoughts and expectations.- with his friends debuting, Chan's suddenly left alone. He feels jealous of the new trainee that seems to have everything already and starts to question if becoming an idol is really the right path for him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic with more than one chapter yay  
> i hope i don't fuck this up ahh  
> please note that english is not my first language so there might be some mistakes  
> im sorry in advance tho, i made little chan and jisung suffer :(((

Freedom  
What exactly is freedom?  
Many would say, doing what you want is freedom, but are you ever truly free then?  
He himself never cared about being free. Until now.  
Now it felt like he was suffocating, drowning in black deep sea full of hopelessness, dreams that could never come true, wishes that could never be fulfilled. He just wanted freedom. Freedom from those thoughts and expectations.  
But he could never have that, he knew that much. The path he had chosen doesn't allow it. He had decided against freedom, so many years ago.  
When he had been young, innocent, inexperienced. He hadn't truly understood what his decision meant for his future, had left his home country to go live somewhere completely foreign, in a country whose language he hadn't spoken. Unknowing of what awaited him there. Unknowing of the competitiveness and the expectations to be perfect. He just wanted to live his passion. Making music, singing, rapping, dancing. He hadn't known that all of this wouldn't play a big role anymore. Sure, they still sang, danced and rapped every day, but it didn't feel like a passion anymore, it felt like a burden.

Especially every time he’d see the other trainees in the practice room. Nearly all of them hadn’t been there as long as he was and they still managed to do so much better, to get more praise from the coaches, while he was mostly just _present_ and nobody really acknowledged his presence anymore, already too used to him. He was jealous, oh so jealous. Of the trainees that seemed to be living their dream, enjoying their time. Of the already debuted idols that he was friends with, that made it, often in such a shorter time than he was already here. He didn’t wan to feel that way, especially not towards his friends, but he couldn’t change, just hide it, ignoring the knot of guilt in his gut.

He passed by one of the practice rooms after returning from one of the trainee studios down the hall. There was rim of light that could be seen under the door. Why was someone still in there, at 2am? He couldn’t really judge that person though as he did also regularly stay up until ungodly hours. Slowly he opened the door, trying not to disturb whoever was inside the room. The first thing he noticed was the loud music with the heavy bass making him flinch. He nearly winced when he recognized the person dancing their heart out in the middle of the room. Han Jisung. Probably the most talented and promising new trainee. Chan couldn’t deny that the boy, who was about 4 years younger than him, already excelled at rapping and singing for his age and training period and from what he was seeing now, Jisung was also really good at dancing although he had only started it after joining the company. His hands clenched into fists as he kept his gaze directed at the younger boy without making his presence known. Jisung seemed to be absorbed by the dance and the movements, executing the dance perfectly. It looked like he had no troubles with dancing either, just as expected. He turned on his heels and walked out of the door, closing it silently. When he was standing in the hallway again, he let out a low snarl full of jealousy and walked away without turning back. If he did, he would’ve seen the worried look on the face of the younger boy - that had indeed noticed him in the practice room – poking out behind the door. 

 

When he laid in bed at night, plagued by insomnia that didn’t let him sleep, his thoughts wandered to all the what-if’s. What if he hadn’t auditioned for JYPE that day? Would he still try to become a trainee later on? Maybe in another company? Or would he still be in Australia, at home, with his family and friends? What if he had been chosen to appear on WIN instead of Bambam? Would he have debuted with Got7? He pushed these thoughts back, he should just concentrate on what he should be doing. Practicing, getting better. Finally debuting. Living his dream. Maybe he could be free then. He knew that being an idol was a lot of work, hardly any free time, and you couldn’t do everything you wanted, but maybe, just maybe, performing was exactly what he was missing. When the incredibly high nervousness he always felt during the few trainee performances he had finally vanished and he could enjoy standing on a stage, surrounded by his teammates and fans, doing what he always wanted. Maybe that was the freedom he wanted.

So he stood up, left the warmth of his bed and sat down at his new desk. He just moved into this dorm room not too long ago, when the others moved out of the old one to live together and prepare for their debut. Sighing he searched for his headphones in his bag, untangling them and putting them over his ears. Recently he had begun to try to produce songs, at first only writing lyrics, then beats, with the help of some of the company’s producer he knew and some his hyungs who already had some experience. He started because it looked like fun and he did have a lot of inspiration at that time, but also because he knew, if he was able to produce, maybe JYP would pay more attention to him and his abilities. Maybe he could debut sooner.


	2. The new trainee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally a new chapter hehe   
> I'm so sorry that i couldn't finish it earlier but i had a lot to do with exams and visiting my parents so i hope you can understand that  
> Anyways, please enjoy ^^

It had already been several months since he last talked to Bambam, Yugyeom or any of his now sunbaenims. Chan knew of course that they were all working really hard, even more since their debut, but he couldn’t help his selfishness. He missed them, he missed their support, their encouragement. Alone, he felt so alone now. He rarely talked to the other trainees apart from the usual small talk before and after practice, before all the others usually went to eat in small groups while he was now sitting alone at one of the cafeteria tables. He hated being alone, he was that kind of person that liked being surrounded by people in messy conversations over nonsense things, as he grew up with two other siblings, he was used to it. Slowly he raised his head, looked around the big and loud room to avoid having to look at his food he barely touched. What he saw surprised him. Han Jisung, the new kid, that seemed so happy and cheerful, liked by everyone since the beginning, was also sitting alone. And he looked as miserable as Chan felt. Maybe he could- No. Irritated by his own thoughts he shook his head. Jisung probably just had a bad day and told the others that he wanted to be alone. There was no reason why they wouldn’t like him after all. He turned his head again, searching for something, anything, interesting to look at instead. There was nothing. Just the usual wooden chairs and tables, half of them empty and the other ones filled with trainees talking lively and carefree. Oh how much he wanted to be like them again.

Forcefully he looked away. Looks like he doesn’t have the strength to sit in the cafeteria today. And it’s not like he went there to eat anyways. He picked up his still full plate and brought it back to the counter where the old lady that handed out the food gave him a pitiful and knowing nod. She knew that talking to him wouldn’t change anything anyway. Putting his ear earbuds in and keeping his gaze on the ground he left the room without turning around. If he did, he would’ve seen the worried look on the face of the boy whose eyes followed him through the room.

His voice cracked for the nth time that day. He had lost count of how many exactly after the first 30 minutes. Sighing he pushed back his curly hair and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. It didn’t work. He could feel the gaze of the vocal teacher on him, could imagine what kind of look she was giving him. Disappointed because he knew he could do better, pitiful because she surely noticed the state he was in, not surprised because he’s been messing up singing for a while now. Like he messed up everything else at the moment. He already got scolded by the dance teacher today who said that his movements had become sloppy and he wasn’t paying enough attention. “Chan” He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. “Try to concentrate a little more okay? I know you can do it.” He was aware that she just tried to help him, like always, but he couldn’t hold back a scoff. How was he supposed to concentrate with all these thoughts floating around in his head? Regardless, he still tried again after taking a sip of the water bottle next to him. He couldn’t afford to slack off.

When he returned to the dorm that night, his head was spinning and his voice only a horse whisper. He opened the door, expecting to be greeted by way too bright light for his tired eyes and the shrill voices of his roommates bickering, but there was only darkness and silence that awaited him. It felt like a kick in the stomach. A cruel reminder that he was now alone. He shook his head to dispel the upcoming voices, ignoring the fact that he still hadn’t eaten dinner and that he should probably do something against the hoarseness of his voice and made his way to the bed in the corner, that had always been his. Although it didn’t really matter anymore. He fell face first onto the mattress, hugging the pillow and burying his head in it. Moving on was the only thing he wanted, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t. Everything reminded him of his friends that were now debuting and the fact, that he was still a trainee after all these years. Trainees with way less training time had been selected to debut and he was already here for over four years. Maybe he just wasn’t talented enough, maybe he just wasn’t made to be an idol. Nevertheless he couldn’t bring himself to give up just yet. If he did, he knew he could never face his parents back in Australia again, couldn’t bare to see their disappointed faces, when he returned after these years without having achieved anything, only wasting time, money and effort.   

He knew that there this was an unfinished song in his drafts that he had originally planned on completing, but the soft mattress and the chance to finally get more than three hours of sleep every night seemed so alluring that he just threw off his shoes and pants and pulled the comforter up to his chin.

Chan really didn’t want to know what time it was. At first, he thought that falling asleep would be easy this time, since his eyelids already closed by themselves and he was too tired to stand upright any longer, but the long awaited sleep just didn’t come, not even after hours of rolling around in bed and trying to distract himself from the thoughts that were creeping up in his mind. It always ended in him thinking about the new boy, Han Jisung, and the strange look in his eyes that Chan just couldn’t decipher. It was neither hostile nor friendly but more than just simple curiosity. That boy drove him mad. He just wanted to stop thinking about him and finally get the sleep he needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave feedback, i need it oof  
> Also my twitter is @koala_channie uwu


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